I know this feeling. I've felt this before. It seems familiar and yet somehow it feels like a total stranger. It's the same and different all at once. It's the same sadness but different feeling of sadness. It's the same depression but different heaviness. It's the same cut but for some reason bleeds very differently. Or was it me? Maybe I am a different person. It's weird that I know what's coming next. It's that cycle. All the signs are pointing to that. Not being able to sleep even if I am tired. The frightened feeling of having to face my bed at night. Night time gives me chills. Idle time scares me. But I maybe wrong, maybe I just lack sleep. Maybe I am too exhausted. Hopefully I am wrong because if I am right, I am in for a ride. To be honest, a part of me trembles that I will have to face the same music again but perhaps in a different tempo. The sleepless nights. The wasted mornings. The dry cries. The impulsive trips. The inconsistencies of the emotional state. The gloomy mornings where waking up is easy because you have never really slept at all but getting out of bed feels like draining all the energy out of your system, that is if you still have some. The "I am fine" moments and then all of sudden "I am drowning in the ocean of emotions that I didn't know I have" moments. It's like I am strong and weak at the same time. Then gradually, the inconsistent becomes consistent. Little by little, sleeping becomes easier and waking up becomes harder. The I am drowning moments are becoming a rare occasion until the drowning moments drown itself. Until the tears are really not there and the cut, no matter how it bled, have healed and have left the same mark.
